Honolulu duvet nonsense – with random photos thrown in to break it up as it’s a long post today.
Back to the duvet delivery and I had the most appropriate and nonsensical piece of spam turn up in the in-box the other day. It was headed something like “Your Abandoned Package For Delivery” which of course, perked up my ears a little as I am still waiting for my new duvet. So, I thought I would investigate further…
My suspicions were aroused when I saw it had come from the “Interim Assistance General Manager, Honolulu International Airport” (full address supplied for authenticity), and my package was supposed to be coming from Derbyshire, England to Symi, Greece. But still, it started off cheerily enough with “Hello Good Friend.” To which I replied, ‘Ah hello my good friend, whoever you are, we’ve never met so you’re not actually a friend let alone a good one, but how can I help you?’ the conversation (repeated here exactly as it was written) ran on, thus:
“I have very vital information to give to you, but first I must have your trust before I review it to you because it may cause me my job, so I need somebody that I can trust for me to be able to review the secret to you.”
‘A little repetitious but I get the drift, man, and I ain’t never heard of no-one reviewing a secret before, The Situation yes, but even that was only in song form, but pray carry on, my good friend.’
He did.
“I am Mr.William Emmad, head of luggage/baggage storage facilities (Operations,Maintenance,Transportation) here at the Honolulu International Airport, Hawaii USA.”
‘How’s the weather over there, William?’
“During my recent withheld package routine check at the Airport Storage Vault, I discovered an abandoned shipment from a Diplomat from London and when scanned it revealed an undisclosed sum of money in a metal trunk box.”
‘Okay, forget the weather. Was it my duvet?’
“The consignment was abandoned…”
‘Oh no! Why?’
“…because the Contents of the consignment was not properly declared by the consignee as “MONEY” rather it was declared as personal effect to avoid interrogation and also the inability of the diplomat to pay for the United States Non Inspection Charges which is $3,700 USD.”
‘Back up a moment, pal, and take a breath, why don’t you? I was asking you, good friend, how the weather was and you completely ignored me and started rattling on about someone’s package and it’s not even my duvet. What do you want?’
“On my assumption the consignment is still left in our Storage House here at the Honolulu International Airport, Hawaii till date. The details of the consignment including your name, your email address and the official documents from the United Nations office in Geneva are tagged on the Trunk box.”
‘Highly unlikely my duvet is of interest to anyone at the UN, and you don’t need to repeat where Honolulu is, I got the message, but what’s this got to do with my duvet?’
“However, to enable me confirm if you are the actual recipient of this consignment as the assistant director of the Inspection Unit, I will advise you provide your current Phone Number and Full Address, to enable me cross check if it corresponds with the address on the official documents including the name of nearest Airport around your city.”
‘Well now you’re going to have some fun, matey. The airport around my city eh? Well, I don’t live in a city, so what-ya gunna do about that?’
“Please note that this consignment is supposed to have been returned to the United States Treasury Department as unclaimed delivery due to the delays in concluding the clearance processes so as a result of this, I will not be able to receive your details on my official email account.”
‘Don’t fret it. Just send my duvet to the USA Treasury and I am sure they will know what to do with it.’
“So in order words to enable me cross check your details, I will advise you send the required details to my private email address for quick processing and response. Once I confirm you as the actual recipient of the trunk box, I can get everything concluded within 48hours upon your acceptance and proceed to your address for delivery.”
‘No, don’t think so.’
“Lastly, be informed that the reason I have taken it upon myself to contact you personally about this abandoned consignment is because I want us to transact this business and share the money 70% for you and 30% for me since the consignment has not yet been returned to the United States Treasury Department after being abandoned by the diplomat so immediately the confirmation is made, I will go ahead and pay for the United States Non Inspection Fee of $3,700 dollars and arrange for the box to be delivered to your doorstep Or I can bring it by myself to avoid any more trouble but you have to assure me of my 30% share.”
‘Take a bleedin’ breath! Blimey. And no, I don’t want only 70% of my duvet, I rather think we’ll need all of it. It may be warm in Holo-bleeing-lulu in the winter, pal, but it gets mighty brassy in Symi, Greece. And, BTW, what’s a non-inspection fee? You mean someone actually gets paid for not inspecting stuff? That’s a job I’d like. I could sit here all day not inspecting things and earn a fortune. Can you just send me the $3,700 non-inspection fee as I happened not to inspect it either?’
“I wait to hear from you urgently if you are still alive…”
“I’m sorry? You getting threatening now?’
“… and I will appreciate if we can keep this deal confidential.”
‘What? Your plan to murder me for not inspecting something I didn’t want in the first place? Who are you people?’
“Please get back to me via my private Email:(xxxxwille@gmail.com) for further directives:”
‘Learn to punctuate.’
“Thank you.”
‘So, how is the weather?’
I’m still waiting for further directives and my share of 70% of a duvet from Derbyshire and my fee for not inspecting it. Ah well.
