News coming in from Rhodes of a major incident concerning some British tourists. The UK Government are currently seeking ways to extract them from the danger zone and make sure all those affected get back to Middle Britain safely. They are calling in the Royal Navy and there have been rumours that the R.A.F. may be airlifting out those worst affected.
Apparently, and my source in not official, the incident started just after breakfast on Tuesday. Mrs Armitage-Shanks, having beaten the Germans and completely towelled the poolside area, then dispatched herself to, in her words, ‘The funny little man who sells the papers by the market.’ She spent a good ten minutes searching through the German, French, Dutch and even, god forbid, Greek newspapers in search of the only one she ever reads and believes, only to find there were NO copies of The Daily Mail to be had, not even for ready money.
When news of this complete collapse of the British overseas newspaper service reached the rest of the group back at the hotel, a panic started. ‘We were not expecting such a rush of protests,’ Mr. Kiriadis, the hotel manager, said. ‘My staff did admirably but were no match for the horde of half-dressed chubby ladies (very nice, thank you) and under-dressed men with bigger bellies who marched on reception. We simply had no copies of the Daily Mail to give them.
‘I was disgusted,’ said a Mr Pyramid (54) from Barnsleydale. ‘I’ve been coming to Greece for nigh on two weeks now and every day I get my copy of the Mail delivered to me fresh by the wife along with my socks, sandals and Union Jack T-shirt, freshly ironed, mind. But today? Nothing! Who’s going to pay for the inconvenience? I might have missed something vital.’
A Mrs Ideal Standard (46) told our reporter that, ‘We have to read it to see what we should be doing! They said that the sky might fall on Greece today and that we might have to get shipped out to Sheerness because of the million immigrants coming into Britain tomorrow who are going to steal my son’s dole money and squat in my house and I’ve only got the three spare rooms that the council pay for, I have to keep one free for my back copies of the nation’s favourite newspaper.’
‘We are dealing with a major crisis,’ Mr Kiriadis told me by phone at lunchtime. ‘The police sent out scouts to every newsstand and peripteron we could think of and yet, no Daily Mail. These poor British have no idea what to do next. Some are in tears, some have refused to eat, saying they have no idea what to have for lunch until the paper tells them what they can and can’t eat. Some have offered their children in return for a copy, but no one is admitting to stocking this particular newspaper. And I’ve not even had my coffee yet.’
Police Lieutenant General Takis Papatakisopolous, called in from Athens, reassured the tourists that, ‘All was being done to make sure you get your daily dose.’ At a riotous meeting of tourists, tour operators, hotel staff, newsagents and some happy Dutch girls who had wandered in to see what the fuss was about, Papatakisopolous called for calm and offered that the Greek authorities should pay for copies of The Independent or The Guardian to be flown out before lunch. But this only led to more tears, and calls for his resignation. Mr W.C. Flush of Gaddleminge (65 and three quarters) said, ‘I’m going to sue over this. Someone is responsible, and we want compensation. This is the second day of our three day holiday and it’s been ruined. I’m writing to someone important this afternoon and demanding a four week stay in the five star Hilton as minimum compensation. No Daily Mail? It’s an outrage. What’s the little woman going to read on the khazi now?’
There was a happy outcome to this Greek tragedy. After several hours of tough negotiations and research, a copy of the Daily Mail was located in Nusaybin on the Turkish/Syria border. The Greek authorities gladly put all the disgruntled DM readers into a small fishing boat and paid the owner the rest of their holiday spending money to sail them across to Yeşilköy on the Turkish coast so they could make the rest of the pilgrimage on foot – knowing full well that when they got there the good people of Nusaybin would only send them back to where they came from.
Crisis averted. For now.
