This hour slots in to the debacle which is ‘having a screw or two missing’ in the Village View. I had taken delivery of a new office chair and some self assembly was called for.
I unpack all the pieces and check them off against the list on what first appears to be a helpful set of schematics. I should realise that this may not all be plain sailing when I start to read the list: “Parts included (not to scole)” but that’s o.k. as there are four drawings displayed around a drawing of the finished product in the centre. So I start, logically, with the top left drawing; “Attach the seat” and then realise that this is actually number 4 as both big parts of the chair are already assembled. Except they’re not, they are still in pieces on the terrace. So I go to the top right diagram and notice it is actually labelled number 1. Oh, silly me, we’re going clockwise from the top right. I find the bits of the chair that resemble the drawing and read my first instruction:
“The underneath that plastics arm-rest B attach in the cushion C, the screw that use (6x25mm) lock tightly.”
You have to remember that these are apparently written in English – this isn’t my literal translation from Greek you understand. I think they are literal translations from the original Korean or Mayan or something. But I can see from the image that, basically, I screw the arm rests to the underside of the chair and then turn my attention to the next part which has the rather ambitions title of “Attach the back support”.
Now this is where it gets really interesting. This challenge involves five pieces that make up a black round thing with a spring in it, the heavy back support, four screws and the seat that now has arm rests. The complicated part, assembling the five bits that have something to do with a spring, is not clear on the diagram and so I turn to the text for instruction:
“Firstly cut through the screw (10x110) on the tray H to connect a bore of head of D again one by one in orderset the spring coilest, spring coll washer (13.5x43) the end locks the tight hand round safely.”
If I had paid more attention back at school when we studied Gerard Manley Hopkins, sprung rhythm and other things to do with abstract poetry I might have appreciated that little stanza more. But with the sun beating down on me and time running out before I have to be somewhere I’m not in the mood for surreal verse.
Actually I quite like “in orderset the spring coilest” as it sounds like a Victorian hymn and I start singing it to the tune of ‘Dear lord and father of mankind’. As I do I scratch my head and debate if they actually intend me to cut through the screw, or is the verb to cut the came as to push in ancient Mycenaean. I fiddle and find a place where the screw can be pushed through without the need of a hacksaw; it’s staring to fall into place now. Actually it’s not, “A bore of head”… now what could that mean… “The tray H” is my starting point but nowhere on the page is there a letter H so I move on.
“A bore of head of D again one by one…” maybe this is some coded message from an imprisoned member of an anti-terrorist unit who’s been forced to draw schematics until he gives up secretes… the sun is starting to get to me. “Spring coll washer” now what’s that going to be? I know that it’s 13.5x43 and the word washer sounds vaguely familiar so I take the funny black round thing apart and strip it down, reassemble it, twice, and put it where I think it looks the most useful. Still not sure but the diagram does come with a happy ending: “The end locks the tight hand round safely.” Which sounds like Mr. G. M. Hopkins at his sprung best but does at least gives me hope that what I’ve just done was right as something does lock in to place and there have been no accidents. So far. O.k. we’ve got the seat and back joined together with a “Hand round” attached and spring in there somewhere, what’s next?
“Attach the piston.” I can’t wait.
“Insert the the gas lift E…” (the imprisoned spy is clearly getting nervous now and who can blame him?) “…into the hole of base A, then covering the telescope F of gas lift E.” Well I don’t know my gas lift from my telescope but after a few minutes of playing around with three bits of plastic, a heavy thing that resembles a mortar shell and five legs on casters I think I get it in the right order.
Adding the casters to the legs, by the way, was my idea; the instructions didn’t mention them. I dread to think how that would have been described:
“Firstly remove Costas from plastic bug with cutting through place B to odour ring F,
As kingfishers catch coil down willow that supportest on high the
Placing of the part C who is base against floor or air (23.5x78) for sitting
In gas on scope that tray H, under cushion resides for completion.”
(My apologies to GMH and anyone who actually understand sprung rhythm as I clearly do not.)
Finally I get to part 4 which is where I started and this instruction is simple:
“Press the seat firmly into piace on top of the piston.” Well, it’s simple once you’ve worked out what a ‘piace’ is and hey presto, as if by magic, I have a chair that doesn’t fall apart. In fact it goes up and down and the back has something to do with the spring thing and all is right with the world. Except I’m sweating like a trouper, the terrace is strewn with plastic bags and bits of cardboard and there is a worryingly unused bolt lying there daring me to actually sit on the thing I have just constructed. |
